Nashville, TN—The last presidential debate is in the books, and this year featured muted mics, a first for a debate. The muted mics were the best option to control the spread of conspiracy theories pushed by the Russians this year.
In a Daily Mock exclusive, we have obtained the transcripts of what each candidate said while their mic was off. Transparency is essential for any morons that haven’t made up their mind yet.
Topic 1: Covid-19
Muted Mic Joe Biden: How in the hell is this guy president? I feel like I’m fighting a toddler. No, Joe, be fair. Toddlers are way smarter than this. Ok, well, we can make our points simple here. 220 thousand people are dead, Joe.
Just point that out and maybe—did he just fart? Holy crap, I can’t believe I have to do this.
Muted Mic President Trump: Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a not, can you tie them in a bow, can you throw them over your shoulder like a centennial soldier, do your ears hang low.
Ha, I just farted. Take that Smelly Joe! I’m the greatest. When is this lady girl going to stop talking?
Topic 2: American Families
Muted Mic Joe Biden: Good looking crowd tonight. At least everyone is wearing a mask. I wonder what would happen if Superman had to fight a ghost. Like, does he have super ghost fighting powers?
I bet he would win. Unless it was a superman ghost. So, who would win that one? Why is everyone so quiet. Crap, it’s my turn to talk.
Muted Mic President Trump: I should not have had that burrito. Got the rumbly in my tumbly. Focus, Trump, focus! I wonder if Hunter Biden would be my friend after this is all said and done.
I mean, I’m going to paint him a monster in a sec. That should make Papa Putin happy. I don’t like it when Papa is mad. He gets slap happy and doesn’t let me eat burritos. I want a milkshake. I would trade government secrets for one milkshake right now.
Topic 3: Race in America
Muted Mic Joe Biden: My underwear is so riding up on my balls right now. Ok, be cool, just sway side to side for a second. Just act natural, nothing to see here, and there, I’m free. Things got twisty there for a minute.
I think when tonight when this is over, I’ll call Barack and see what he’s up to. Maybe we can play some hoops or prank call Kimmy over in North Korea. Tell him that his fridge is running. Ha, dude falls for it every time.
Man, that is a huge booger hanging from Trump’s nose. Hey buddy, you got a bat in the cave!
Muted Mic President Trump: I’m not racist. I hate all poor people equally. Why do they keep thinking I’m racist? At my next Klan meeting, I’m going to bring this up and see if we can get the Q anon and Proud Boys to do some beatings.
That will show America how much I love them, and how not racist I am.
Topic 4: Climate Change
Muted Mic Joe Biden: Don’t say I’m going to kill off big oil. Don’t say I’m going to kill off big oil. Don’t say I’m going to kill off big oil. Dammit, I’m going to say I’m going to kill off big oil.
Muted Mic President Trump: Why doesn’t anyone understand windmill cancer? I mean, what’s the hard part of this? The thing turns and causes cancer. It’s that simple. Facebook says I’m right so why don’t they understand this?
America is so dumb. Probably because they are so poor. Covfefe, ha, remember when I tweeted that? That was my first stroke. I’m assuming it was a good memory, because now it’s gone. I should eat a burrito when I get back to the White House.
Topic 5: National Security
Muted Mic Joe Biden: Rudy Giuliani was totally playing with his willy in the new Borat movie. Gross.
Muted Mic President Trump: Rudy Giuliani was totally playing with his willy in the new Borat Movie. Cool.
Topic 6: Leadership
Muted Mic Joe Biden: Dear Lord, I ask for forgiveness because I’m going to curb stomp this motherf*cker. How this country came to this, I have no idea, but Lord, I ask you to cover your eyes for just a second because this is going to get biblical. Hold my beer, I’m going in.
Muted Mic President Trump: Man, Joe looks pissed. And what’s with that creepy smile? Where’s my secret service right now? Are they back from the burrito run? Hey, I need an adult over here! I need an adult!
What’s my safeword? Which phrase did Melania use? Oh, right, Hey, don’t touch me! Wait, that’s not right. I wish Joe would stop cracking his knuckles. All I did was make fun of his dead son. That’s cool, right?