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boy throws glowing green covid football to his father

Reasonable Sports Dad Releases His Demands for Continued Quarantine

Dallas, TX—Gerald Smothers has big plans for his life, and most of them revolve around his son, Dustin, playing football and making the big time.  That’s a lot of pressure to put on a 9-year-old’s shoulders, but Mr. Smothers believes that little Tommy can take it if he knows what’s good for him.

“My boy is going to be a superstar, and I’m not going to let no hoax Covid stand in the way of his dreams and mine.  I just want to sit on a yacht that my son bought me and maybe call the guys from the recycling center to come and join me.  Is that future too much to ask of people to get sick and die for while I stay away from everyone?  I don’t think so.  Hey, you got any cigarettes?”

Other Parents Share the Same Feelings

Mr. Smothers shares the feelings of many other parents this school year.  Their sons are being asked to take a year off from full-contact sports that jeopardizes their shoe contracts in the future.  Mr. Smothers is suing every school district in American and demanding that sports be allowed to continue during the pandemic.

“It don’t matter none that my Tommy isn’t in high school yet.  You never know when you’re going to get the call to sub in, and we want to be ready for that opportunity.  What if the Quarterback gets hurt or dies on a ventilator?  That’s just an opportunity for my Tommy.”

To drop the lawsuit, Mr. Smothers has released a series of demands that must be met.

List of Demands

  1. All school sports must continue with the exception of girly sports because Mr. Smothers likes the women to say home.
  1. No mask on the fields. Smothers claims that his boy can’t breathe properly in those things.  He also demands that all helmets be destroyed and states “mouth guards are for wussies.  Chicks dig no one having teeth.
  1. Joe Biden must come to each and every game and apologize to Tommy. “He did the virus!  I’ve seen the emails from China, where his own son, Hunter, made a deal with Nabisco and brought it over here.  It’s clear as day in the metadata that my buddy Earl showed me on a bar napkin.  No, I don’t know what metadata is but it shows it!”  It is unclear what Biden games Biden will attend.
  1. Taco Tuesday on Wednesdays.
  1. A personal trainer must be dispatched to Mr. Smothers’ house immediately. He must be under 5”2, 110 pounds, blond without any other children.  He must also be female and be open to friendship, long walks on the beach, and cooking Taco Wednesdays.
  1. Entire towns must go to Tommy’s Junior Flag Football matches and cheer on the team. Flowers may be thrown, but are not required, at the end of the game.  This can occur while the opposing team carries Tommy off the field on their shoulders.
  1. Nike must offer a 100 million dollar contract by next year. Smothers has no interest in Adidas nor the San Diego Chargers, which Mr. Smothers added without being prompted.  The contract must be presented to Mr. Smothers in gold and in Seraph font.
  1. Scholarship offers must be presented in alphabetical order because Tommy don’t read to good and they are trying to work on his letters. This would help.
  1. Weighing in at a robust 65 pounds and running a 10 second forty, Mr. Smothers’ son will be required to play one year of college ball before turning pro sometime late next year.
  1. When Tommy states “Dad, I don’t want any of this. Let’s just be safe and take care our community.  We can give up sports for a half year so we can all get back to normal,” all that is to be ignored because what he really means is that he is the best, demands the best, and will settle for nothing less than the best

Status of the Lawsuit

The demands continued for another 42 pages but as Mr. Smothers had a Q-anon Facebook live event, he could not go over all of them.  When the school system was asked for a response, it was difficult to hear their response over their laughter.

Thousands of parents are now joining Mr. Smothers in a class-action lawsuit.  This has turned into them also suing each other for not wearing masks and exposing a thousand little Tommy’s and his teachers to a deadly virus.  In response, the virus has countersued the parents.

Pssst….

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