Washington, D.C. —The Republican party has finally found a legal way to no longer pay taxes. They have officially been classified as a religious institution.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before!” stated Mr. Ronald Reagan Clone. “I mean, we are cult-like as all hell. Did you see Trump talk about drinking bleach and we were all like ‘Hey, that’s a great idea’ chugga-chugga!
If that’s not a cult then I don’t know what is. And since a cult is a religion, we deserve to let other people pay our taxes for us!” Mr. Ronald Reagan Clone then injected sunlight into his veins and died. His replacement clone had no comment at this time.
Are all other political parties now tax-exempt?
The short answer is no. The longer answer is Hell No. If that was the case, there would be no states that could prop up the weakening economies of the Republican states.
And if there is one thing that the cult of the Republican party loves, it’s to let other people pay for sh-t that we should all be paying for. As a result, everyone else in the country is required to pay their fair share of taxes.
However, billionaires and large corporations are exempt from this rule. They have also been classified as a religion all to their own. But rest assured, the small businesses of America will continue to float Walmart’s employees through welfare programs.
Is it only the party itself?
To quote the paragraph above, hell no. From this moment on, if you identify as a Republican then you are no longer required to pay taxes, file taxes, or even mention the word tax.
The Republican utopia is finally a reality where they get to use fire, police, and roads with someone else paying for them. The main tenet of the Republican religion is “I got mine” and it seems to work very well for them and only them.
They will still be eligible for a tax refund though, which is kinda weird but welcome to the new America. They can take their refunds in the form of direct deposit or ammunition.
There is still hope for America, as long as the next stimulus bill offers to cut the 0% tax rate that Republicans have to pay, they may continue to let the rest of us live. Probably. Really, it’s anyone’s guess at this point.