Muleshoe, TX—Local Rancher Mr. Thadington Hurd has had just about enough of people telling him about all the bull—- in his cow pastures.
“I’ve been a rancher for over 45 years, and I know bull—- when I see it! And in those pastures, where all those bulls are, there is no crap. None whatsoever, and I’m tired of the country telling me that there is. The whole world has gone crazy,” stated bull—- expert Mr. Hurd.
“C’mon, I’ll give you a tour and show you.”
The Bulls in the pasture
“The first thing that I want to show you is that these here animals in my pasture aren’t bulls. They are male cows with large horns. That’s who lives here, patriotic male cows. No bulls at all! So, if there was bull—- in my pasture, it’s foreign bulls and not these freedom-loving bulls!”
Our reporter handed Mr. Hurd a dictionary with the definition of a bull but he declared that was all liberal media lies and maintains he only has male cows.
Culling the herd
While the tour commenced, several ranch hands approached the male bulls and shot them in the head.
“We gotta cull the heard a little bit so we shoot ones that don’t look like us. That one there was probably going to rob a bank or do some drugs.” This is of course absurd, as it is obvious that most bank robbers are white male cows.
Stepping in bull—-
As Mr. Hurd continued the tour, he stepped in a brown substance that smelled like poop and had hay in it. He then fell down and broke his leg. “That was not bull—-!” Mr. Hurd said. “That is a hoax! There is no bull—- in this field.”
To help Mr. Hurd out, a team of scientists from around the country came to test the substance in the field that was not bull—-. They took vials and compared it to other confirmed cases of excrement, weighed and matched it to specific bulls, and then held an online poll on Buzzfeed.
All the tests came back as positive that it is poo coming from a bull and that it is in Mr. Hurd’s field. As a result of the testing, Mr. Hurd convinced a bunch of people on his Facebook to gather and kick all the scientists out of his field.
Mr. Hurd then held a public meeting where he gave the following explanation of why there appeared to be many bulls in his field.
“First, we all know the feminists can’t stand a male cow. They hate them so they come in here and planted all that so-called evidence. You can tell because what was tested had flowers in it, and feminists love flowers like hippies.
“On top of that, there is a war on Christmas and that somehow 100% relates to what is going on in my pasture. I’m not sure how, but I tell you that it is!
“If the media would report on why I can’t say Merry Happy no bull Christmas, then maybe my field would return to the way it was back in the 50s! You know, when Ranch Hands weren’t video tapped so much!
President of the cow pasture parade infected
In a shocking turn of events, Mr. Hurd has now become infected with a virus that is only found in bull—-. Mr. Hurd wasn’t wearing shoes when he stepped in the excrement and it got into an open cut, which Mr. Hurd then spewed out his mouth, spreading more bull—-.
The Republican Rancher reports feeling fatigued but says that thoughts and prayers will heal him, his wife, all of his ranch hands, the scientists that he wouldn’t allow to wear shoes, and Scott Baio.
The level of bull—- in Mr. Hurd’s pasture is truly staggering. Any outside observer can clearly see the mounds of the stuff steaming in the early morning Texas sun. It is hoped that when the smoke clears, those that denied the existence of bull—- in the first place will now re-evaluate their position.
Or at the very least, will begin wearing shoes. Until that time, other ranchers have forbidden any of Mr. Hurd’s cows from leaving the property and visiting their friends or vacationing at the beach.