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a skull wearing a coronavirus mask

School Opening Plans Include Non-Death Curriculum

Dallas, TX– Millions of Americans are now getting the plan for the upcoming school year.  The biggest question that parents need answered is how this school year is going to work as the pandemic continues to get worse.  The administration has stated that it is completely safe to go back to school.  They also believe stated that windmills cause cancer.

“We have a plan,” stated Betsy Devos of The Department of Education.  “The plan is to have a plan.  And that is the plan. ”  It was at that point that military garbed henchmen burst into the interview room and took our report away.  We wish you the best, Jim.

Before leaving, however, Mrs. Devos stated that part The Department of Education’s “Plan” was to introduce new courses for high school students.  She assured Jim as he was being beaten that these courses would keep students across the country safe, unlike stupid math which is now being cut.

Mask Wearing

Know your rights! In this class, students will learn how to yell at private businesses that require you to wear a mask.  Students will learn to escalate each situation until they are able to pull out there gun and shoot the business owner.  This is known as stand your ground while still being an idiot, a verified Trump legal defense.

Duck and Cover When you Cough

Taking a session from the 1950s, Duck, and Cover when you cough drills will not be implemented throughout the school day.  These drills first became popular as America entered the Atomic age and will have pretty much the same useless effect.  Once under their desks, students will cough into their elbow.  As the administration will now control the COVID numbers, they assure parents that this will bring the pandemic under control.

Sympathy Card to Teachers family

Arts and crafts will now include a weekly section where students make “I’m Sorry For Your Loss” cards that will be sent to teacher’s families once they die of the pandemic.  There will liberal use of glitter and all members of the class will sign the card except the shop teacher because he’s hella weird.  Families of teachers will be billed for the postage.

Freezer Truck Maintenance

When refrigerated trucks begin to show up to the schools, it offers each student the perfect opportunity to learn a trade instead of going to stupid brainwashing college.  Enterprising students will learn both HVAC repair and automotive care.  These are the skills that will easily transfer to the working world as hospitals become overrun with the pandemic and those trucks will be needed elsewhere.

Theater Class

Students with a flair for performance will now be given a new play that will air on Fox News.  The name of the play is “It’s All Fine.”  The dialog is “It’s all fine” repeated over 123 pages.  For the finale, the performer will flip over an interviewer’s desk while screaming about Antifa, the true enemy of America.  Only hot blonds will be given roles.

Financial Funeral Planning

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it is the need to teach our children the importance of sound financial planning.  In this course, students will take control of their parent’s funeral planning as they come down with COVID.  As their parents are ushered onto ventilators, students will demonstrate a working knowledge of wills, estates, and the death tax.

Most importantly, students will then haggle for the best deals on coffins.  At the completion of this course, the students will be verified registered Republicans.

We are a very lucky nation to have such a well thought out back to school plan.  While other nations wasted their time on getting control of the pandemic, we instead focused on how we could make more money for those in power,   It’s that kind of American innovation that has made us the leaders of the world in deaths.

Going forward, The Department of Education promises there will be more plans but we have to wait for them.  But trust them, there are tons and tons of plans that are so super great that it will make this plan look weak.  At that point, Obama will be blamed for this plan.  And isn’t that all parents can really ask for?  Besides healthy children in safe environments, of course.


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