Silicon Valley, CA—Apple has done it again with the release of the iPhone 12. With so many new features, the iPhone 12 offers real-world versatility that was missing from before.
“Well, Apple is known for changing the world,” said Steve Jobs’ ghost.
“It started back in a garage that is now a religious shrine. Going forward, it’s important to realize the reality that most people live in. The Scream to Text feature offers our customers something that can help them in their daily lives. Change a life and change the future.”
Scream to Text:
Watching the next presidential town hall, give your fingers a break as you rage Tweet your feelings. Simply start yelling at your TV and Apple’s Scream to Text will craft a message for the social media venue of your choice.
See another conspiracy theory on Facebook? Scream to Text is on it! With the Scream to Text feature of the new iPhone 12, let your exasperated rants do the work!
You’ve had it with all the ducks and shorts that you’ve unleashed out into the world. With Smart Swearing, let Apple say what you really mean. Simply say “Siri, write my congressman” and Smart Swearing will do all the work for you.
With a degree in F-bombology, the developers at Apple have created a symphony of cusswords that would embarrass any sailor. When you don’t know what to say, let Apple swear it for you. Smart Swearing, make yourself understood.
Meditative Nazi Punching:
The world is chaotic, and Apple wants you to take a minute to think about your mental health. Finding your center has never been easier with the Meditative Nazi Punching only available.
Accessing the sex registry list, the Meditative Nazi Punching App will locate the nearest Mein Fuhrer so you can work out your anger issues. It truly is surprising how often Nazi and Sex Offender lists match up. Actually, it’s not surprising at all. Make sure to keep your thumbs on the outside so you don’t hurt yourself.
Urban Foraging Map:
Apple Maps have also taken the time to update their software. Can’t afford your insulin this month because you spent 2 grand on an iPhone? No worries, just click open your maps and it will direct you to the nearest hospital dumpster where hopefully you can find a half-empty vial.
What about an Epi-Pen because those have skyrocketed? Apple Maps has you covered. It will direct you to the nearest allergist’s house so you can perform your first armed burglary. Steal the Epi-Pen but leave the silver. That won’t do you any good.
With a mind toward our global diversity, Apple knows that understanding each other is the key to a better future where you don’t get shot. Simply pull out your iPhone the next time you are pulled over and let Siri do the talking.
Chock full of cute catchphrases such as “Don’t taze me, bro,” and “I am unarmed, and my hands are in the air. Please don’t shoot,” every interaction with the police can now go more smoothly. The police translator can even notify your next of kin when none of this works.
Peaceful Protest He-Res Camera
And no citizen can truly function in this world without having the ability to document every civil rights violation at your next protest. Just click the side button to activate the Protest Camera and let the iPhone do the rest.
With a clear 360-degree view, the iPhone will record every violation of your rights as you are tear-gassed because you came out of the wrong church. You didn’t even know about this protest! The iPhone 12 will then compile a list of all the violations and sue the state on your behalf. It practically pays for itself!
Once again, Apple has stepped in to change the world. Sure, it may not come with a charging cord or earbuds anymore, but having the ability to help you in your day to day life will make that much more of a difference.
The new iPhone goes on sale soon, so get down to your local pawn store and get rid of everything you don’t need, and save up your babysitting money. You know all your friends are going to have it, and there are only so many of them you can rob before they start getting suspicious.