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Self-Driving Cars Decide to Stay Home on Friday Night So You Can Make Better Decisions

San Francisco, CA—Tesla motors is finally ready to roll out its fabled safe-driving cars.  These cars will be able to navigate busy freeways, avoid traffic congestion, and question your life decisions.  New software allows the vehicles to make decisions for you based on your current life situation.

Tested across college campuses and urban centers, researchers discovered that maybe you shouldn’t be hitting the club at 2 am on Friday night.  As a result, pregnancy and opioid abuse use have plummeted in the target populations.

Artificial Intelligence – Smarter Than You

The researchers began by sending surveys to mothers all over the country and collating the responses to help train the car’s artificial intelligence.  Top responses to the survey were then cross-checked with Nana’s advice on how to live a long life.

As a result, when the driver gets behind the wheel of the new cars, their mood will immediately be assessed and the car will make the best choice.  If you’re not eating enough, the car will immediately take you to IHOP.

Other features of the car will be to manage your Tinder profile because Nana is looking for a nice boy, and you obviously need help.  Also, the car will let you know when you are putting on weight.

It’s For the Best, Trust Us

Tesla assures consumers that the car only has your welfare in mind.  If you are uncomfortable with the outcome of the car’s decision, there is a manual override function.  A button on the dashboard can be pressed which will immediately call your father.

The car will act as your therapist to facilitate the conversation as you explain your current life’s problems.  If you and your father can agree on the best course of action, such as going home and thinking about what you’ve done, then manual control can be taken by the driver.

If you don’t have a father in your life, the car will immediately fulfill that role and schedule some character-building exercises. As a bonus feature, the car will continue to ask you when you are going to have grandbabies as you cruise home for an early night’s rest.

Pssst….

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