Silicon Valley, CA— Social Media CEOs recently met in their hidden bunker located inside a volcano to discuss the recent trend of their platforms being used for good. Joined by both Skeletor and the Red Skull, Mark Zuckerberg kicked off the meeting with a human sacrifice of a Kardashian.
After once again taking the oath to one of the old gods of despair, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey stated that people were hopeful because of the recent kerfuffle concerning Reddit and their ability to stick it to hedge funds.
“Look, this isn’t what was supposed to happen,” Mr. Dorsey said while he drank a child’s tears. “Our cesspools were created to bring out the worst that humanity has to offer. And what has happened? A bunch of individuals got rich while our people had to sell a vacation home! We cannot stand for this!”
Using the power of social media, ordinary people who have been quarantined without a stimulus for ten months were finally able to fight back. Costing hedge funds and their managers billions, millions of people are now able to afford food. And the trend isn’t over just yet. The power of good seems to have taken over all social media platforms as ordinary people work to solve the world’s problems.
Billed as the “front page of the internet,” Reddit users on R/WallStreetBets took the fight directly to Wall Street. For the first time in months, people of the world finally felt hope. Invigorated by their success, Reddit users have now taken on the national debt of the United States. This debt has been paid off in memes. As a result, the U.S. has free healthcare, insulin for everyone, and a stable supply of memes to get us through the next rough patch.
Known for data espionage and K-pop, the TikTok platform was the first to get on the side of good. They were able to help defeat a Nazi running for the President of the United States. Members of the platform continued that fight and have turned their attention to fixing the Middle East. Through a series of coordinated videos featuring a cat walking next to a car, TikTok users were able to finally get Israel and Palestine to sit down and work out a peace plan. The plan involves ice-cream for everyone as well as a fun new mascot: Mr. Meow Meow.
Facebook, known as the home of Karen, is usually a cesspool of misinformation and of middle-aged women who have internet doctorates. But it appears that their users have had enough and have used their evil powers for good. Much like the villain Megamind, they realize that they were always the good guy, but didn’t know how to do good. As a result of their new-found powers, mental health is not only accepted, but services are fully funded. Suicide rates have plummeted worldwide.
You’ve never seen a Twitter feud quite like this. Normally, this platform has been used to alienate and divide every section of the population. However, banding together, Twitter users were able to finally resolve all the differences between the Hatfields and McCoys. The two families have purchased adjoining houses in a nice subdivision in Louisville where they hold pot-luck dinners. Twitter’s next targets are Republicans and Democrats, a more difficult challenge than the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s.
The phrase “Netflix and Chill” has now been replaced with “NetFlix and Let’s Cure Syphilis!” As of this story, all STDs have been eradicated.
Nothing has threatened our planet more than climate change. Not anymore. Instagram influencers were able to not only reduce carbon emissions from every nation on Earth but also regrow the polar icecaps. Using beautifully staged photos with clever captions, the planet is now saved from the hubris of man. Further, aliens from an advanced civilization enjoyed the content so much that they are on their way to help humanity ascend.
Social media companies must realize that they have a responsibility to the world they profit from. Hopefully, they can follow their users’ examples and wipe away the toxic behavior and misinformation that has plagued us in this century. Until then, they will continue to meet in their volcano bunker.