Los Angeles., CA—Social media has risen to be the most important factor in American’s lives. And as such, people are more aware that what you put online represents a personal brand that could be worth millions of dollars… or at least a couple of Chiclets. An enterprising new dog park in Los Angeles is finally ready to accept that beautiful people deserve a beautiful place to make TikTok dance videos.
Residents are treated to a state-of-the-art dog park to utilize the cyberspace potential in all of us (except you, Sharon.) The park is set to open this summer with special appearances by a bunch of people no one knows but who are definitely internet famous. Those wishing to attend the dog park opening may submit funny tweets for consideration. And if you’re lucky enough to be chosen to go to the newest dog park, be prepared to follow these social media guidelines.
If you do not have booty shorts, booty shorts may be provided for you. Any shirt that covers your stomach will be expertly shortened by a three-year-old with a pair of safety scissors. Blonds are preferred or at least those willing to dye their hair the appropriate blond color. Highlights will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
Before you are allowed to enter the L.A. Dog Park, you must provide at least three Instagram Posts showing your best features. Those without the proper filtering skills will be asked to leave. Posts must be of original content and highlight your story as well as the customer journey each visitor may expect.
At least two viral Tweets are expected during your dog park visit. Those that are not able to get the appropriate engagement online will be asked to leave and only return when they mean something.
Retweets are acceptable, but only by a 1990s television star that is trying to become relevant again thanks to the overwhelming power of nostalgia.
Although not required, it is HIGHLY SUGGESTED that you learn no fewer than 12 TikTok dances to be completed for the planned daily flash mobs at noon and three, with an extra show on Saturdays. As the professional dancers complete their routines, you will be given opportunities to do one move so you can act like you were always part of the group, and then you will be permitted to leave.
There will be absolutely no dogs allowed at the L.A. Dog Park. Visitors will be provided with a photogenic pure breed “best friend” (trademark pending) upon admission. These highly trained dogs will show you the best poses to get the most social media engagement. Do not attempt to pet the dogs or give them treats; their grooming and nutrition costs more than the rent on your sad little apartment.
The paparazzi comes by throughout the day at scheduled intervals, so please be aware that you may be photographed at any moment with your assigned pooch. After your social media experience, please return the dogs in mint condition or else you will be fined heavily. And we mean heavily.
Know that as you continue through your social media experience to use the hashtags #LoveMatters, #Authentic, and #BestDogs so that we can synergize across multiple platforms. And remember: Smile! Nobody likes a downer, Sharon.