Cape Canaveral, FL – Elon Musk’s Space X company has just been awarded a contract to make America look cool. For the last year, the world has been treated to local yokals with no teeth, confederate flags, and a serious need for a diabetes awareness campaign.
This is not a good look for the country whose tag line is “Come Live The American Dream!” When that dream looks like it needs some breath mints, the country no longer commands the respect it once had. Space X vows to make America cool again.
Space X has immediately replaced the boring white space suits with sweet leather jackets worn by ruffians and cool dudes everywhere. And rolled up in an undershirt sleeve, you better believe that a pack of smokes will be there.
Female astronauts will wear poodle skirts and break into song right before each launch. With male astronauts adding a snappy chorus, America is well on the way to looking hella cool.
Beginning immediately, fireworks will be adding to all jet fuel so that on take-off, the country will enjoy a Fourth of July celebration every time. And if people around the world tune to 94.9 The Juice FM, they can listen to choreographed music.
Should the space rocket explode, the remaining fireworks will give a finale that will truly capture the American Spirit. Which, of course, is that we make disasters look fabulous. Let the Star-Spangled Banner guide our brave men and women in poodle skirts to the next might frontier!
Each press conference will now begin with the Movie Guy. In a world where America reaches for the stars, our executive director of flight operations, Stud McGuffin, will go where no flight operator has gone before!
Starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt, with a special performance given by Julia Roberts, America will once again face impossible odds and save the world! Posters are already being distributed to local and worldwide media outlets.
Nothing will make America look cooler than by rescuing the world’s two greatest actors. Matt Damon and Tom Hanks will maroon themselves on planets in alphabetical order.
During the Christmas Holiday Season, Space X will then launch a rescue mission and will sometimes even let someone other than white join the crew.
The drama alone is worth at least 4 Oscars, a Tony, and 1 Nobel Peace Prize. Then the astronauts will come riding home on top of the new convertible top rocket, letting their freedom hair be seen from shining sea to sea.
Each and every day of the launch and mission, live Insta stories will tell the tale of our brave influencers as they head out to the international space station. Once they arrive, a new voting system will be put into place.
Which villain will get to stay? Which hero will be kicked off the ISS? Treachery is afoot and if you want to stay, you need strong alliances. Brought to you by Nestle, the same people that want to privatize water.
Vote for your favorite influencer by dialing pound 911 or by using the hashtag #BitchinAmerica.
A lucky 1 in 79 million will win free healthcare for a day! Live like a politician and go ahead and eat that last donut. Don’t worry, your high blood pressure is on the good old U.S. of A!
For an entire day, take part in some of America’s most high-risk activities such as leaving your house in the morning without a mask, or interacting with the police. And unlike voting, everyone in the country is automatically registered.
Have no worries as the experimental COVID drugs reserved for your betters are now at your fingertips for 24 hours. With Space X, you can win the American Dream!
The launch of the America Cool Campaign will begin immediately with Elon Musk sending a Ford Mustang to the Sun where it will rev it’s engine so that the whole universe can hear the sound of Freedom coming to the stars.