The Daily Mock
man takes oath on bible with lockheed martin logo

Swearing In Politicians Now Sponsored By Lockheed Martin

Washington, D.C. — Swearing an oath once you take political office has been around since the establishment of our great nation.  And as steeped in tradition as it is, it has become increasingly clear that this money-making opportunity hasn’t been utilized.

Beginning immediately, all oaths that politicians must take can be sponsored by the companies that paid for them.  For the next presidential oath, Lockheed Martin has won the naming rights.

Welcome to the Lockheed Presidential Race of 2020.  Blackwater will be supplying the under the table refreshments.

The wording of the oath

Normally, the oath consists of the words “I swear to protect and defend the constitution.”  These words will be kept, but there is a new section now being added because when you buy a politician, you buy the laws.

“I do solemnly swear to offer no-bid contracts to my friends that you have named to your board of directors.  Further, should any court attack {Insert Company} and demand that you stop shooting innocents, I vow that I will use the DOJ to protect you.  So help me bribery, {Insert Politicians Name}

P.S.  Protect and defend the constitution, blah, blah, blah.

What can you swear on? 

Typically, a Bible has been used at these ceremonies and is the book of choice of many sinners.  However, from this moment forward that Bible can be sponsored as well.  Boeing will be sponsoring this year’s Bible.  Next year, Comcast seems to be the winning bid.

This new genius money-making scheme isn’t just for national politics.  HOA presidents, City Council Members, and Private Prison Wardens are all getting in on the act.  They typically don’t swear in on a bible and instead will use the back of a minority that they turned the public against.

Koch Industries are currently partnering with ICE to provide all the immigrants needed to complete the many ceremonies around the country.

This signals a new era in American Politics.  Where we drop the pretense of being against corruption and embrace that lying bastard full on.  Transparency, after all,  is what makes democracies stronger.


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