The Daily Mock
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Thank a Billionaire Day Now An Official Holiday

Washington, D.C. — With the pandemic continuing to wreck the economy, Congress has passed a sweeping stimulus bill.  Among the least controversial sections includes finally making ‘Thank a Billionaire Day’ a national holiday.

The country fully supports this new holiday from the comfort of their foreclosed homes.

“Without billionaires, the world wouldn’t work as well,” stated Elon Musk.  “For example, who would we follow on Instagram?  Where would we get medical advice from?  The world would be doomed!”

Many people agreed with Mr. Musk as they searched their couch cushions for the 32 cents needed to pay for a package of Ramen noodles.  Finally, the world’s billionaires are getting the recognition they bought.

Holiday Cards

The country is encouraged to send their thanks to the billionaires with buying holiday cards rather than saving money for college.  Hallmark already has cards on shelves.

“Thank you for not buying your third yacht.  Your kindness is inspiring.”

“My welfare check just wouldn’t be the same without the GoFundMe account you set up instead of actually paying me.  With my share of $.03, I bought this card.  I had to eat the envelope, sorry.”

“The world has enough money for everyone.  Thank you for hoarding it.  Medical care is overrated, anyway.”

Celebrations Planned!

There will be many parades over the next several weeks to show our support for the billionaire class.

Fired unionized works from both Walmart and Amazon will waive their non-existent severance packages proudly above their heads as they march out of factories that used to pay them.

Bank officers will hold foreclosure parties with the proceeds going to the ‘Thank a Billionaire Fund’.  Ghost-Written books with witty bullsh– phrases will be given to the public in lieu of stimulus checks.

Our nation wouldn’t be the same without the majority of money being in the hands of a select few.

Laws would be honest and fair, business practices would take into account the welfare of its employees, and presidential campaigns wouldn’t be able to hand out paper towels.

Truly, the sacrifices that the billionaires have made are felt by the masses as they wonder how much heat their last piece of plastic furniture will give off when burned.

Take a moment out of your day, and give thanks to those who need nothing.

Pssst….

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