Denver, CO—New research has discovered unpublished predictions of the world’s greatest fortune teller. Not only did Nostradamus predict the rise of Hitler, WWII, and the creation of the footlong hotdog, but he also predicted the rise of social media.
“A vast network of socialness shall enter and connect the world. ‘Twas not a stage but a platform where the peoples could thus sayeth really stupid things,” the prediction reads.
At first, these statements were disregarded and misunderstood. Some thought it meant traveling theater was going to cause the apocalypse. Still others believed that a platform would be built on the moon by clowns. However, it cannot be denied now that he meant social media. And as the rest of the predictions are deciphered, it appears that Nostradamus had a fascination with TikTok.
“When the crack of the moon is uncovered by the string, the throng shall come with bulging eyes. Through this combination, a thong shall be admired by millions and the view shall quench thy thirst.”
As Nostradamus points out, the quickest way to a million followers is to wear short-shorts. A nice sailor outfit or a pirate costume will bring teenage boys to you like you’re the Sears Sunday catalog.
“The body shall gyrate and shake as if the Pillars of Gibraltar have come undone. Top-heavy structures shall bounce upon the Earth and the crowds will carefully watch for the wardrobe malfunction.”
Dance is the communication medium for TikTok, and it seems clear now that Nostradamus is referring to those dances as a way to bring the global community together. Each dance sparks a new trend that will be followed by young people for a week, and old men for the next decade.
“To buy thine leggings or not to buy thine leggings? ‘Tis the question that the platform will cause the platform to scream. But worry not, for they are not leggings but paint on fabric that gives thee a hug in the guise of influence.”
Tiktok is used to sell everything from home mortgages and ice cream cones to, yes, leggings. The trend changes from week to week and moves at the speed of light.
“The pages shall not be of this world and exist only in the imaginations. Books shall tick and tock as they run the speed of the sun’s light to Earth. Tears will flow that will increase the sales of the word and the word shall be good.”
One of the most surprising predictions is the use of TikTok to sell books. BookTok has authors scrambling to get someone reading their book while wearing a pair of leggings. Unlike other social media platforms, TikTok actually does result in book sales. As a result, Gerome Steven’s new monster hit “Forbidden Bigfoot Love,” as performed by a Kardashian, will have a live reading on the platform.
“When one person brings their message, others shall see it as a challenge. Thus they shall appear side by side and imitate the original in the highest form of flattery or nakedness. Pour some sugar on me, oh the faithful. Pour some sugar on me.”
One of the unique features of TikTok is the duet. One person records a video and soon, others will take that video and perform what is called a duet. Sometimes this means singing a song, and other times it means a pole dance.
“When thirty seconds adds another, and 120 is added to that, the end times shall be close. There is only so much of the rant that the world can stomach before the acids of the bowels erupt in a fiery destruction not seen since Lucifer was cast out of Heaven.”
This last prediction does not bode well for humanity and TikTok users. Nostradamus predicts that as the service allows longer and longer videos, people will soon tire of each other and eventually destroy the planet. Experts point out that this has always been the case. Some claim the first sign of the end for every civilization began when they all started talking to each other.