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Donald Trump gives a speech

Totalitarian Trump Threatens to Give Locked-Down Americans Freedom

Totalitarian tyrant Donald Trump is threatening to give locked-down Americans the freedom to leave their homes, outraging governors across the nation who all agreed: “a president has no right to rule the country.”

Meanwhile, Michigan’s Governor went extra Cruella Deville to woo Biden to pick her as his VP.

NY Mayor and WaPost rail against “totalitarian streak” of “King” Trump

New York Mayor Andrew Cuomo raged that America doesn’t have a “King,” and said that if Trump tries to enforce the Bill of Rights by giving Americans actual freedom, “we will have a constitutional crisis like you haven’t seen in decades.”

But mainstream media just wasn’t having this “freedom thing.” The Washington Post wrote: “Trump’s totalitarian streak hits overdrive!”

The New York Times issued a headline that its editors were “Fact-checking Trump’s false claims of ‘ultimate authority’,” enraged that such an evil overlord as a sitting US president would have the gall to invoke something like the Constitution.

How could he possibly think he could mimic the Declaration of Independence by setting Americans free so they could take up “Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness.”

Loyal liberals in many states are vowing to never come out of their homes again “no matter what that despot dictator Trump says.”

“Why should we?” one jobless man asked. “I’m making more money on unemployment now than I did at my job. Like that song says, ‘money for nothin’ and your checks for free.'”

Michigan Governor restricts everything to woo Biden for VP job

Michigan Governor Gretchen Witmer, while standing next to a picture of Biden when he served as vice president, said with a smile and a wink that Joe could “sniff her hair anytime he likes.”

Witmer then railed against Trump, screaming: “He’s trying to negate everything I’m doing to get Biden to notice me!”

The governor continued going ballistic, screaming: “I’ll be the judge of half-wit moves!”

Witmer was referring to the numerous new autocratic restrictions she placed upon residents in her state, which includes blocking the availability to purchase such “nonessential” things as carpet and paint.

“Why this dumb-@ss, white b*tch thinks she knows what essential in my life?” Deion Jones of Detroit asked in disagreement. “I munch carpet er’day. It’s a staple of my diet.”

Witmer also banned motor boating, much to the dismay of half the state’s male population who find “motorboating” with the opposite gender to be one of their favorite pastimes.

The men argued that the technique is perfectly safe as long as both parties are wearing masks while acknowledging that it’s not possible to stay six feet apart unless the partner has “really, really long ones.”

Operation Gridlock Announced

On Tuesday, Michigan residents launched “operation gridlock” to protest Governor Witmer’s draconian restrictions by creating a traffic jam on all the roads around the Michigan Capitol building, remaining in their cars to maintain social distancing.

The protest was scheduled to begin at noon, but eager protesters started jamming roads by 9 AM, creating bumper-to-bumper traffic for several miles north of the Capitol.

A variety of protesters in Michigan also planned virtual rallies and spoke out against the governor, while supporting President Trump’s desire to give Americans freedom.

“People always say: “Conservatives never protest because they are too busy working,” the event page of a protest group read. “Well, guess what. You’re not working — so it’s time to PROTEST.”

A variety of conservatives said they were all for it and were sure they could make the time to protest “as long as it doesn’t interfere with us streaming that new Tiger King special.”


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