Washington, DC — President Trump has decided to rebrand himself as the love bringer in the face of his coming impeachment. Trump Cupid will be available at any of his current hotels and properties in exchange for a lot of money.
This, as pointed out by his chief of staff, is not a quid pro quo. Instead, for money, President Trump will write a letter to whoever you are attempting to woo. This new venture promises to increases America’s standing in the world, bigly.
What Do You Get In Your Trump Love Letter?
The President will use his amazing vocabulary to make the heart flutter of any man or woman he sets his sights on.
“Nobody can write a letter like President Trump,” said Chief of Staff of the Month Mick Mulvaney. “His words are poetry. Straight up poetry. It’s like Chaucer himself wrote these things. I’m dating a wonderful woman out of Florida that he helped me with. He told her not to be a fool and that he would ruin her economy if she said no. See, the words of a lover.”
When asked if Mr. Mulvaney knew his name sounded like the poor cousin to varicose veins, Mr. Mulvaney stormed off stage. It is also unclear if Mr. Varicose Mulvaney is aware that he is already married. “Get over it!” he screamed.
Cost of the Trump Love Letters
Each letter will cost the betrayal of one American ally. The President’s specialty is in the dictator category, for those seeking some dirty loving. The letter will be printed on official White House stationery, which admiringly is not worth what it once was.
It will also be signed by the President himself as by the time he writes the letter he has already forgotten your name. Also, you will have to get the Trump Brand actually branded across your forehead. His supporters couldn’t be happier with the new business model.
This does bring up the question if this new business venture would violate the emoluments clause of the constitution. But given that Congress has not acted on the literal mountain of other violations, the President feels pretty good.