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man taking picture of his junk

Twitter Bans Political Ads. D*ck Pics Still Cool.

San Francisco, CA —  This week Twitter banned all political ads on their platform.  Jack Dorsey, Twitter CEO, tweeted “We’ve made the decision to stop all political advertising on Twitter globally.  We believe political message reach should be earned, not bought.”  He went on to add that “Dick pics are still cool, though.  I mean, it is Twitter and where would we be without a schlong in our feeds?”

Of the two types of content, many people agreed that the political ads are way more offending than the occasional sausage roll.

How will they be able to tell the difference between the two?

The hardest part of the decision, which is not the limp biscuit, will be for Twitter to develop an algorithm to tell the difference between the two types.  In early testing, a raging boner was shown to an A.I., followed by a picture of President Trump at one of his rallies.  The artificial intelligence declared Trump to be the biggest pecker of the two, but still banned both types of content as obvious signs of dicks.

Human testing did not fair much better with a success rate of lower than 3%.

“Well,” said Gladys Phillips, Tweet Tester, “They were both pretty wrinkly and I felt very uncomfortable in my loins after viewing the content.  It was obvious that they were both pornographic but I really couldn’t tell which one we should find offensive and which one we shouldn’t.  Anyway, I called my husband home from work immediately.”

What’s Twitter’s next move?

This is the question that is on the mind of many stockholders.  Twitter will be giving up millions in revenue.  However, on the other side, they look at Pornhub and see the buckets of cash that they have rolling in over there.  Obviously, dick pics pay better and are more intellectually honest.

Pornhub has scholarships and plant trees.  This was a deciding factor for the social media company.  Not the trees part, they are still not going to do that.  As it stands now, dick pics are a go while the more offensive content of political ads are banned.


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