The Daily Mock
a road curbside with a sign that says Grand Opening on it

U.S. Military Now Offering Curbside Beatings

St. Louis, MO — During these difficult times, the U.S. Military is now offering curbside beatings.  As the President calls in the army to police a civilian population during a national pandemic, rest assured that all CDC guidelines are being followed.

By coming together during these difficult times, we can overcome obvious evidence of constitutional violations.  Their batons have been completely disinfected and sterilized and all members of the new Gestapo will be wearing masks.

For your free beating, just exist in any space you once thought was safe.

Civil Rights violations delivered directly to your home

For those that are unable to step outside your home, there are delivery options available.  It doesn’t really matter if you want delivery, because it’s kicking down your door anyway.

This is a new intuitive called “We’ve Gone Full Tilt To Crazy” that the U.S. Government has instituted.  These equal opportunity beatings will be available to everyone but mostly just minorities.

Should you know a minority, please turn them in immediately and complete the next step of this downward spiral into an authoritative regime.  This new program is lead by Attorney General Bill Barr who asks that you excuse the Cheeto stains around his mouth.

Once your beating is delivered, the government asks that you turn in any recordings of that beating and hide any evidence that you exist.  A citizen unheard is a citizen cowed and that’s just the way they like ‘em.

Grand Reopening coming soon

As soon as we are all through these troubled times that everyone clearly saw coming since the election of a child, the U.S hopes to reopen.  Their Grand Re-Opening is scheduled as soon as the next elections are canceled.

Should you wish to protest during this transition, please keep in mind that you are blocking many great photo opportunities and will be instantly entered in the raffle to get a tear gas spritz.  It’s very refreshing and a war crime when it happens to the injured.

It is hoped by the White House that things will soon get back to normal, which is to say were justice is consistently denied to people of color while those in power completely, and totally, ignore it.  Until that time, please enjoy your protest beatings.

Pssst….

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