Omaha, NE — With the current pandemic raining down virus hellfire, the American public has become indebted to all the essential workers that have made our lives easier.
To show our appreciation, the U.S. Government today announced a new program to honor these hard-working individuals.
Doctors, nurses, first responders, grocery store workers— you will be receiving your free fruitcake in the mail soon.
The Fruitcake Program cost the American taxpayer almost two trillion dollars. It is clearly money well spent. To make sure you receive your fruitcake, essential workers must apply at their local unemployment office.
It is hoped that the fruitcakes will arrive just in time for Christmas, once President Trump has time to sign them.
Essential workers bravery
Millions of people around the country have been inspired by the dedication of our essential workers.
“Why should they get a fruitcake but I don’t get one!” stated Mrs. Martha Bradbury of Omaha, Nebraska. “I’m essential to my dogs. I deserve it as much as those people. I mean, I wouldn’t work in a grocery store, I might die!”
“And it is essential that I don’t die. I want my fruitcake!” she added. Mrs. Bradbury then attended the fruitcake protest where she promptly got infected and was treated by doctors and nurses.
Why not give hazard pay?
There has been the question if perhaps hazard pay for these essential workers makes more sense. On the surface, that does seem to be a better solution than fruitcakes.
However, if that occurred then the government couldn’t have afforded the flyover of area hospitals. Everyone loves a flyover. It is hoped that the flyovers accomplish as much as the fruit cakes will.
The Fruitcake Program may be delayed, however, until the appropriate 1% tax cuts can be written into the bill. They will get money that has no emotional meaning behind it, while nurses will get well intended governmental surplus fruitcakes.
Lucky nurses may even get vintage cakes from World War II. These collector items cannot be eaten, but it’s really the thought that counts. Landlords assure all essential workers that thoughts can indeed pay your funeral costs.