Isla Nublar, South Pacific –Any parent that has ever taken a toddler to the grocery store knows the level of destruction they can cause. With so many cases of wild goldfish cracker feedings going wrong, many at the National Institute have called for toddlers to be banned from grocery stores and kept away from the public.
However, Owen, the velociraptor trainer from Jurassic Park, has just launched a new YouTube series dedicated to stopping this scourge from cereal aisles everywhere. His channel now has over twelve billion views and a sponsorship from Johnny’s Artificial Limb Service. Responsible Parenting advocates everywhere are asking Owen to speak at store openings.
Take his advice on how to control your toddler in the grocery store and let’s all make the world a better place.
Remember that if you can see one toddler, there are three more that you can’t. Toddlers hunt in packs and that first one is only meant to distract you. The other two will most likely come at you from the side and before you know it, you’re stripped of all your coupons and your phone is gone.
Sure, they spend most of their day chasing bubbles, but that doesn’t mean they can’t apply strategic thinking to get what they want. When a toddler says, “I love you, daddy,” don’t be fooled. They love the cookie you’re holding. It’s important to remember that they will rip you apart for just one crumb from that cookie. Respect their intelligence.
Make sure your toddler’s attention is on you when you begin training. Pick out the toddler that is the most aggressive and has the most drool coming out of their mouth. That’s the alpha and to gain their respect. Begin by offering it treats such as your wallet or car keys. Then quickly take them away.
It may get rough, but you are showing them who controls the situation. Toddler training is dangerous, and you need to understand that going in. When the alpha respects you, then you know the rest of the pack will fall in line.
No one is really sure where toddlers come from. They are here and then grow up so fast that it’s hard to find their nest. But if you can find the nest, you can begin training them earlier. In the grocery store, look for a collection of overpriced toys and coloring books. Most likely that is their home base.
Don’t make a sound as you approach this area. If you do, you’ll hear a loud road followed by three clicks. Then assert yourself and say “No! I’m not spending twenty bucks for a Transformers coloring book! It’s not even Transformers! It’s a knock-off called Transfiguration Robots. I think there is even a Batman knock-off in this one!”
Grocery stores are really good at setting parent traps these days. It’s right at check out where all the candy and crap toys are all at toddler height. The toddler is drawn to these areas and if you’re not careful, they’ll throw a thousand dollars in your basket without you knowing.
And then you’ve got to get batteries because you are too embarrassed to say that you weren’t watching your kid. Next thing you know, you’ve got 25 Pez dispensers and a spinning lollipop that runs on double-As. Speed is the best defense against this trap. God speed.
If your teenage daughter trips as you run from the toddlers, wish her the best of luck and keep moving. It’s the only way.
Once you have your toddler trained like a good velociraptor, you can place a saddle on them and take the pack out to hunt more dangerous game, such as the T-Rex or the door-to-door salesman that always ruins naptime.
But keep in mind that you have to constantly reinforce positive behavior by rewarding them with goldfish crackers and a college fund. Keep your chin up, your wits about you, and you can eventually take a toddler to the grocery store without being embarrassed by a meltdown.