The Daily Mock
a white male with a blue shirt wears an I voted sticker with the american flag in the background

Vote By Mail Approved For White Male Land Owners

Washington, D.C — With the current pandemic ravaging the country, the question of voting is highly debated at the highest levels of government.  With the safety of its people at stake, drastic action is indeed needed.

After consulting the Constitution of the United States, an answer has been found.  Effectively immediately, white male landowners will be allowed to vote by mail.  All other peasants are restricted to crowded and sparse polling booths.

“We’ve been trying to find a way forever to get back to the 3/5ths rule when counting minorities, and I think we’ve finally got it,” stated Ronna McDaniel, chairwoman of the RNC.

“We are not all the way back to where we want to go, but with our continued voter suppression efforts, we are getting closer.”

How the voting compromises were reached

It is hard to balance personal freedom with national security.  The solution is to take away rights from one group, and give extra rights to another.  That way, there are plenty of scapegoats to go around and the wealthiest American’s and politicians remain in power.

The rest of the populace has their freedoms as well.  For example, they are welcome to run the death gauntlet of crowded voting stations.  With any luck, the 3/5ths rule will increase its effectiveness.

There are many white male landowners that have always voted by mail.  For example, the President of the United States, many members of Congress, and Colonel Richard Backbreaker-a landowner in the deep south.

By coming together as a country, we can make sure that these hypocrites are continually protected.  It was a tough decision, but whitey was able to put aside their differences and once again do what was best for themselves.

Polling Stations

With only 3/5ths of minorities being counted, the government has also decided that they don’t need as many polling places.  They have begun closing many over the nation.  Primarily in urban environments that are overcrowded to begin with.

Our leaders assure us that this is nearly coincidence and rightly point out they are expanding polling stations across the country.  Beaumont, Tx, Harrisonville, AR, and Martha’s Vineyard will all get one polling station per registered Republican.


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