The Daily Mock

“We Respect Our User’s Privacy,” Mark Zuckerberg Tells Susan Smith of 112 Pacific Drive, Orlando FL

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO, and founder of Facebook released a statement today in response to continued privacy concerns of its users:

Statement from Facebook

Facebook continues to improve and update all of our technology so that users can rest assured that their data is private.  For example, if Ms. Susan Smith of 2156 Pacific Drive wants to continue to post memes regarding pornographic knitting, then she can rest assured that no third party company will have access to her friend’s list.

Especially not her knitting circle that is comprised of Sarah Gilbert and Rhonda Hutchinson.  And should she wish to sell her knitting on the Facebook Market place, we will protect her transaction and not inform the world that her three-digit security code on the back of her credit card is 893.

It is important to us here at Facebook that our users completely trust their online experience.  We’ve added new security measures so that the users, like Bill Cawker who happens to be a registered Democrat, can control who sees his content.  For example, at any time, Mr. Cawker can opt-out of data collection procedures.

It’s just a few hundred clicks away, once the mailed-in form is complete.  This ensures that your information is safe.

Furthermore, Facebook has decided to take a stand against those who would seek to manipulate our users that fall within very specific demographics.  Like, super-specific.  18 to 24-year-olds that post about weed.  That’s the kind of specificity we are talking about here.

Please Be Confident

Please be confident in knowing that we will only share your voting record and habits, which we definitely know, with those companies that have proven consistently in the past that they can pay.  No money, no data.  It’s that simple.

Finally, we here at Facebook want to address the problem of slanderous and inciting material often being shared across our platform.  We have created a Facebook group, run by Aunt Mary out of her trailer, that will vet any and all political postings.

In no way will her political leanings affect her integrity or her confederate flag.  I hope that going forward, we can all continue to share our content with whom we want, where we want, and with who the advertisers want.