Washington, D.C.— It has become clear that our public policy is being decided on by conspiracy theories. Once the realm of late-night radio shows and guys who run newsletters out of their garages, conspiracies have finally broken into the mainstream.
Before crafting any policy, many lawmakers consult the oracles first to determine if that policy matches up with their particular flavor of conspiracy.
Whether it be healthcare related, immigration, or the regulated number of toppings on a pizza, there is a conspiracy theory out there that clearly defines our actions.
How Conspiracies Affect the Presidency
As our two presidential candidates begin to pick their VPs for the upcoming election, it is clear that the conspiracy theory will be the new running mate.
Which conspiracy theory that will be the new running mate is hotly debated in Washington. Which wackadoodle theory has what it takes to bring home the crown?
This dashing conspiracy theory has its roots in the deep south which could bring in the Texas Electoral votes, assuming that Texas survives. It’s still touch and go at the moment.
The COVID-19 theory has tapped into popular culture and that could bring out the young vote, assuming that they still let dead people vote in Texas.
Its popularity can be seen across all ages, from young and old, and it is truly a generational nut job theory. The candidate that can woo this theory as a running mate may have just what it takes to reach the finish line come November.
While not quite as sexy as its COVID-19 cousin, the Anti-Vax theory could bring in the hippy vegan vote, a very powerful voting block in the tofu community.
Regionally, most of its popularity stems in the pacific northwest and California, which would be big gains. However, the fact that it showers in soy milk and dirt from a cave, makes it a difficult theory to be around.
And it’s not big on family values unless that has to do with graveyard get-togethers. Still, the Anti-Vax conspiracy theory would please many that want to see official policy change to death cults.
This is the comedian of the conspiracy theory world. Or excuse us, the flat disk we all live on. Ignoring absolutely all science is its popular draw.
The American voter refuses to be told what facts are and instead would like to find out for themselves which ones to ignore. Popular since the time of Galileo, this laughable little theory though might be too ‘Boomer’ for many candidates.
But never ignore the power of a good dad joke told for too many generations.
The Deep State conspiracy theory loves a good mystery. Who makes the world a bad place? Them, they, those people. The fact that you can never pin down the actual people is what makes the Deep State so powerful.
A candidate could unleash it’s deep state VP at any time to cover up protests or criminal activity. A single person will never be caught, thus there is no one to really blame.
This gives the Deep State conspiracy theory immortality, which may scare one of the candidates off.
This theory will bring in the Medicare vote though, which for some reason matters because we all know that an 80-year-old man knows exactly what young people need today.
The Boogeyman conspiracy is the grandfather of the Deep State theory, although they don’t speak much anymore. Popularized in the 1950s by Joseph McCarthy, it always has the right fear group to name to get a base riled up.
Communism, Antifa, people named Carl. The Boogeyman can always make an enemy out of something that doesn’t exist in this country. The fear vote loves this one once they remove their tinfoil hats and leave the Funyons alone.
Guaranteed to promote action at any time, The Boogeyman is always a reliable candidate.
No matter who our leaders choose as their running mate, you can bet that the conspiracy theory will find it’s way into the public policy over, and over and over again.
From cutting down COVID-19 testing to blaming made up strangers on the internet, these conspiracy theories are guaranteed to bring in millions of votes, which is as we all know, is just one guy in California named Carl who has voted 1 million times.