Which FDIC Insured Mattress Is Best to Hide Your Life Savings?

Which FDIC Insured Mattress Is Best to Hide Your Life Savings?


New York, NY— The global pandemic has rocked the world’s economy.  Many ordinary people are having to find a different way to make things work, and even the banking sector is feeling the crunch. The world’s billionaires have made 10.2 trillion dollars during the last year–and all the space at the banks is tapped out.

With this level of money hoarding, vaults have less and less open space. That leaves the middle class unable to afford accommodations. Even more so, it has shown that if your money is in a bank, the billionaires can sniff it out like the little nifflers they are. 

The only possible answer is investing your life savings in these totally trustworthy mattresses. Hopefully, one day you too can afford your bankruptcy.

The Crown of St. Peter

This mattress has deep roots in its community. Located behind a dumpster right next to the food bank, it’s the last place people would look for your life savings. Cockroaches provide excellent security to keep busy hands away. And it’s so dirty, a billionaire would never be caught there. 

That means your $4.32 is safe and sound and ready for a rainy day. Seriously, go get your money when it rains because the rats get in there and will make a nest out of your hard-earned cash

Grandma’s Temper-Pedic

Locally owned and operated, Grandma’s Temper-Pedic mattress offers all the power of a big mattress company but the feel of a local branch. It’s that personal attention that really matters in today’s banking mattress industry. 

Come for the low-interest rates, stay for the butterscotch candy. When you bank at Grandma’s Temper-Pedic, you’re treated like family.

The South Forty

In the rural community, a good mattress treats you like a neighbor. At the South Forty, you’ll find the people that you’ve known your whole life. Stash your cash in this mattress hidden behind a tree in Farmer John’s forty acres, and you know it will be there when your home goes up for auction. 

Then sit for a spell and enjoy the chit-chat around the cornhusk as you continue to run from your creditors. 

Mattress of America, LLC

Sometimes, you want to put your money in a mattress that has connections. At Mattress of America, you’ll find the absolute best returns on your money. This traveling mattress will convert your money to cigarettes, which have a high prison value. 

Through smart investments and paid-off prison guards, look for an annual return of 10% or more. In this economy, let your money work for you!


Not all mattress banking needs to have a physical location. That’s just more overhead and more bed bugs. Instead, go virtual at Felix.com. Felix will convert all your Lyft driver tips to cryptocurrency and put them to work on the dark web. It’s more of a risk, but the shrewd investor can make great gains. 

With 1% commissions, it’s the lowest in the business. Sure, you have no idea what a bitcoin wallet is, but just rest assured that it’s safe and sound in this virtual mattress. 

Sunshine Coast Community Credit Union Mattress

At a king-size mattress, you are nothing more than a number on a spreadsheet. Do your mattress banking where you’re money actually matters. At the Sunshine Coast Community Credit Union Mattress, join with hundreds of your neighbors that have also lost their jobs while the 1% sits on their yachts. Refinance your defaulted mortgage, avoid student loan debt collectors, and enjoy the community at Sunshine Coast. 

It’s not just a mattress bank; it’s also where you’re sleeping. Just remember, no one can kick you out of a public park, even when it’s raining. Sunshine Coast Community Credit Union Mattress—where people matter (kind of).

No matter where you choose to do your mattress banking, just keep in mind that those that make the laws greatly care about how to get your last $2.53.  If you work hard and invest smart, maybe one day you will live to see a livable minimum wage. I mean, probably not but it’s important to have hopes and dreams that can be crushed daily.