Portland, OR — As is common practice in the U.S, many residents are receiving random visits from paramilitary groups. These helpful commandos often bring their own modes of transportation and offer free rides to any citizen that they deem to be a trouble maker. Big cities such as Portland, Chicago, and New York seem to be where there are most active but it is hoped that the Gestapo will branch out to more rural areas soon to control vote counts.
The real problem becomes in knowing which governmental agency has hijacked you or your loved one. As they don’t wear any insignia and refuse to identify themselves, it is difficult to know where you should send the thank you gift baskets and hospital bills for trauma.
The Daily Mock has put together this handy dandy guide so you’ll know which agency is currently violating your civil rights and kicking your teeth in. And to the men and women of law enforcement, thank you again for doing nothing.
You’ll know that it’s Homeland Security that’s tear-gassing you and your protest group if you can see their shoes. Often mismatched and with laces untied, it is a sign of the type of officers they hire. Although not too bright, they are dedicated to providing you with the darkest and dankest cell they can find to shut you up.
When you are taken by them, remember to speak in small words and use lots of hand gestures so they know what you are trying to say. A confused Homeland Security agent is a frustrated agent Use picture books if you have any handy.
Normally reserved for border control situations, ICE has expanded their American Welcome Wagon to include lost or confused protesters. For the first time in their history, skin color actually doesn’t count! That means they are growing as a people. You’ll know if they are your captors if they immediately begin to torture you until you agree to be deported.
They’ll also have a special daycare that they’ll send your kids to that is fashioned out of old concentration camp wire. It’s fun for the whole family!
If there is one thing that protests are known for, it’s lots and lots of guns held by the federal government. That makes all protests the jurisdiction of the ATF. And as circumstance would have it, your protest sign demanding justice now counts as a firearm. No worries, the ATF is here to help you along with your firearm training. Their classes often begin by waiting until you kneel and then taking your sign and beating you with it in a safe and governmentally approved manner.
A responsible gun owner is a good gun owner, which ironically doesn’t include anyone breaking your kneecaps. When they are done with the beating, they will often help by offering you a rag to clean up your own blood if you know what is good for you.
Once confined to the outreaches of Space, the First Order is never one to let a good uprising be crushed. Known for their incredible aim and flashy white uniforms, they point out how diverse they are because they have a black guy as their leader. Not an actual African-American, but just a guy dressed in black.
It’s cool though because they have a lot of black friends. You’ll also notice how swift their justice is. So if you find yourself next to a screaming Wookie, you’ve been paid a visit by The Empire.
The true backbone of the current administration, The Militia is a bit secretive. They are made up of friendly racists that what to share their hate with you. And although not officially affiliated with the current Federal Government, no one can really tell because it’s not like anyone is wearing any identification anyway. When The Militia Shows up, please don’t confuse them with asking about different parts of the constitution.
They are known for their selective reading and mental distortion. Too much information causes them to shut down and they can get a bit bitey at that point. If you are handcuffed and given a Confederate Flag, then The Militia has you and it’s best if you don’t mention General Sherman and Atlanta.
There are many ways to pay tribute to the brave officers that are hiding behind anonymity. Thoughtful cards, flowers, and brass knuckles are always solid gifts to those that have ignored their oaths to the constitution. The trick is figuring out which group has abducted you.