Washington, D.C. – Here at the end of times, the gloves have finally come off. The big bad wolf has decided to no longer dress like grandma and instead just eat the villagers whole hog. With a Supreme Court seat needing to be filled, Republicans have decided there is no reason to pretend anymore with what they would like to do.
Gone are thoughts and prayers and they have been replaced Russian propaganda in official campaign material.
The Republican majority will confirm any nominee that President Trump puts up. Armed with the kind of confidence that only bribery can buy, here are the pros and cons of every dictator that is on the President’s shortlist.
Pros: The president likes that the leader of Syria has no problem killing his own people. “What a strong leader,” the president has said. “Do you think we can get some of those chemical weapon attacks over here? What’s the import tax. Never mind, I’ll just sign an executive order.”
Having someone like Al-Assad on the supreme would certainly help with the constant stream of subpoena cases that have made it to the Supreme Court.
Long Distance charges may apply to late-night lover’s phone calls.
Mohammed Bin Salman
Pros: Openly kills members of the press, both foreign and domestic. This is a trait that many of the Trump faithful love. The ability to flat out dismember a reporter, admit to it, and have zero ramifications appeals to the Insane Murder voting block.
With Bin Salman on the Supreme Court, it is doubtful any first amendment cases would even make it past the initial filling. The Republican Party has already awarded Bin Salman a lifetime membership of jelly.
That pesky weirdo religion that scares many Republicans. It’s going to be hard to scapegoat an entire religion when one of them is calling the shots.
Pros: The Vlad is strong like bull! Putin seems to be the obvious shoo-in pick down in Vegas and the administration is a big fan of poisoning individuals on foreign soil. However, Trump is skeptical of this one because if Putin is on the Supreme Court, how will the president know what to do?
Without a puppet master, Pinocchio Trump is afraid he won’t be able to dance anymore. As we all know, the President is an excellent dancer. Many people have said so.
Recep Tayyip Erdogan
Many people remember when the President of Turkey visited America and then turned his goons loose on our citizens. It is rumored that the Republican Caucus in the Senate has a poster of it hanging up in their rec room. Can we bring that level of brutality to the Supreme Court? Of course, we can!
In fact, it’s already here because apparently, you can shoot someone while they sleep, and the only law you will break is for missing.
President Trump cannot say the name. He keeps saying estrogen and even for the Republican party, this is getting embarrassing.
Pros: Life-long BFF of President Trump. With his cherubic face and pouty lips, President Trump admires the way he is able to kill family members that speak out against his regime. Add to the that the crazy amount of people he is willing to kill in mass, having his vote on the Supreme Court would benefit this current administration.
Along with his ability to win a vote by 134% is very impressive. President Trump does hope that Kim Jong-Un and he can one day ride nukes down the middle of Main Street together.
President Trump likes to be the big spoon so this relationship might not work out.
Marvin the Martian
The sleeper pick for oddsmakers, Marvin the Martian seems to have no qualms about trying to destroy an entire planet, so he fits into the legislative goals of the Republican party. Add to the fact that Marvin would greatly increase the Space Force and do away with any regulations regarding space, he may be the perfect court justice for this administration.